


The Green Snake That Wasn’t An Euphemism For Hulk’s Penis

by TheJoysOfAMultishipper (Amemah)



Series: Farcy happened. I don't know. They are very cute. [8]
Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: Alternate Universe - Soulmates, Darcy Lewis & Natasha Romanov - Freeform, F/M, M/M, Multi
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-10-28
Updated: 2014-10-28
Packaged: 2018-02-23 01:05:46
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,280
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2528321
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Amemah/pseuds/TheJoysOfAMultishipper
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>JARVIS was recording this just as much for his sake as Miss Potts'.</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Green Snake That Wasn’t An Euphemism For Hulk’s Penis

**Author's Note:**

> Hei!
> 
> THIS IS NOT THE SLOWBURN I PROMISED! THAT IS BEING WRITTEN AND WILL TAKE TIME (I will stop with the caps now, sorry) and effort and will be better than this. Seriously, I've written around 700 words of it, and I'm much more pleased with it already. But! Like I mentioned in a comment earlier, I'm an impatient writer, and my need to see progress is sometimes worrying. So here. Have a filler, something to keep you happy, or at least something to add to the Farcy-works.
> 
> I'll be honest; it's not my best work, but not my worst either, so.. Yay, mediocre writing :)
> 
> Anyway, let me know what you think?  
> Tumblr: thejoysofamultishipper.tumblr.com / amemah.tumblr.com
> 
> Hugs and kisses <3

“Okay, if you could choose  _anything_ to be your first words to your mate, keeping in mind that it would be tattooed on their body forever, what would it be?” Natasha asked, taking a sip from her teacup. She was sitting around the kitchen-table in the Avengers’ Tower, Bruce right next to her.

“Haven’t everyone here found their mate?” Steve asked, passing some chicken to Bucky. He and Sam had found him walking around in Serbia after a few months, and brought him back. He wasn’t doing _well_ yet, but at least he had stopped sharpening his knives at the dinner table. It was scary enough when Natasha was doing it; they didn’t need another one.

“The Lady Darcy has not, I’m afraid,” Thor said, looking over at where said woman was sitting on a couch, listening to Clint explain something or other about his bow. Phil was watching them closely, somewhat terrified of SHIELD’s safety if they combined forces. Political Science or not, he’d seen the girl play Risk. Those skills combined with a Lever 13-classified secret he was the sole keeper of…. Yeah, he was worried.

 

“Does anyone know what her mark is?” Tony directed his question at Jane, figuring she’d have the best chance of knowing. She shook her head a negative, though Pepper, standing right next to Tony, laughed.

“You know?” Bruce asked, surprised. He didn’t know the two of them were that close. They’d bonded a bit over semi-insane scientists and their inability to take care of themselves, but otherwise, Bruce hadn’t really seen them that much together. Then again, he _was_ one of the scientists who couldn’t take care of themselves, so he figured he didn’t really pay _that_ much attention. Also, thanks to Natasha he was in a bit of a sex-haze too.

 

“Mhm,” She chuckled, opening her carton of Chinese. Pepper smiled triumphantly as she realized Tony hadn’t stolen her spring rolls yet, celebrating the rare occasion. Tony was a hoarder.

“What does it say?” Natasha furrowed her brows, sneaking a glance at the young woman.

“I’m not going to tell you,” Pepper laughed, walking over to Darcy and sitting down next to her.

 

“Tell who what?” Darcy asked, slightly distracted by the giant bow currently resting in her lap. Clint laughed at her terrified look, but shut up quickly at her glare. She made Fury’s stare of disappointment slash doom look _weak_. When Clint wasn’t busy being in platonic- and friendly love with Darcy, he spent his time scared shitless. Phil had said something about history repeating itself while casting a significant glance at Natasha, but Clint managed to keep himself from thinking too much about his questionable taste in friends by shutting his husband up. Using his mouth. Fuck yeah.

 

“Tell everyone what your mark is,” Darcy snorted at Pepper’s answer, looking over at Tony.

“Please say Tony was the one who asked,”

“Indirectly. But Natasha is _really_ curious,” Pepper said, passing a roll to her newest friend.

“Yeah, and so am I,” Jane added, dropping down next to Darcy, staring intently at her.

“You’re looking at me like I’m a puzzle you can’t figure out and it is making me nervous,”

“I always look at you like that,” Jane huffed, leaning back against Thor who had appeared out of nowhere. Clint had seated himself with his feet in Coulson’s lap, having reclaimed his bow with a grumpy look after the first bit of spring roll had spilled on it. Sorry, _her_. Boys and their toys.

 

“So you’re not telling us what your mark is?” Bucky frowned. “It can’t be that bad,”

“It’s not. But _some people_ ,” Pepper snorted at the tone of her voice. Tony looked like he was placed in a parallel universe where Pepper Potts snorted. But then again, that would be as unlikely as Thor’s brother coming to earth to claim it as his own. Oh wait…

 

“Some people,” Darcy continued, ignoring Stark’s existential crisis, “Would probably be obnoxious about it, and I’m not dealing with that.” She shrugged, passing some of her sweet-and-sour-chicken to Natasha, who had placed herself in front of her legs, on the floor. _Black Widow indeed_ , Darcy thought.

 

“Alright, fine. We won’t mention it again,” Phil said, recognizing the need for some privacy. But then again, he most likely knew who her soulmate was, and was very much looking forward to see how they met. God, he couldn’t _wait_.

“You look like you’re plotting world-domination again,” Clint murmured.

“Sorry,”

“No, you’re not,”

“No, I’m not,”

 

Darcy ignored the cute and worrying bickering of the _adorable_ couple next to Jane, absently stroking the writing located under her right breast, wondering for the millionth time just what the hell would lead to her meeting them. And also what the fuck _Tony Stark_ would have to do with it? She didn’t really know any other Starks, to be honest.

Ever since she was a little girl, Darcy had never quite known what to make of her mark, though it was making _some_ sense after moving into the Tower. But still… She understood the implications behind the words, understood that she would be in a, hopefully, one of a kind situation. But the mark implied that her soulmate would already know who she was, but why would anyone know who she was without _talking to her first_? And why was he or she in _her house_?

 

Of course, then a God dropped out of the sky and her three best friends were one newly world-renowned astrophysicist, one super-secret-ultra-badass spy and the CEO of Stark Industries. With that accomplished, SHIELD offered her a job as lab monkey for the scientists three, not to be confused with the warriors three, and then she was surrounded by fifteen thousand people who could kill her with a paperclip. No, Darcy’s mother wasn’t the only one questioning her life choices.

 

Anyway, by now she was like 97 percent sure her intended was a SHIELD-agent of some sort, or she hoped so at least. She supposed anyone wanting to kidnap her for information or something would also be aware of her name, and her address, but she preferred not to think of those things. Darcy Lewis was only unconcerned with her safety in the heat of the moment.

 

Nonetheless, the answers to her questions arrived in flurry of black movements and a green snake a few days later. And, as everything would suggest, Tony Stark _was_ at the center of it. Though Bruce Banner did have a bigger hand in it than he would like people to think.

 

 _Hiss_. _Hiss_. _Hiss_.

“Uh oh,” Darcy mumbled, sitting up in bed. “What has he done now,” She whispered to herself, standing up on the, obscenely soft, mattress and looking around.

“Just because you can’t see them, Lewis…” Her voice was nothing more than a murmur, still raspy with sleep.

 

 _Hiss_.

“Fucking hell! What the FUCK?” She shrieked, taking speed and jumping over the floor and the _thing_ crawling there. “Is that a- JARVIS?! That had better not b-“ She yelled, running out of her room, through the halls and to the kitchen. _Come to the Tower with me, Darcy_ , Jane had said, _it will be fun, Darcy_ , Thor had supplied. What the fuck was she thinking?

 

“STARK!” The man cringed as Darcy came skidding around the corner and jumping up on the kitchen table. She was not setting foot on the floors ever again. _Ever_.

“Lady Darcy…?” Thor asked, staring between the genius and the less obvious one, taking in the garments of his friend. Or more, her lack of aforementioned garments.

“Tony… I am trying _really hard_ to keep myself from _eviscerating you_ right now, so I suggest you _stop looking at my tits_ and start explaining the motherfucking _gamma-radiated snake_ in my room,”

“I-. Wait, how did you know it was gam-“

“Because I’m a Political Science major, not _stupid_!”

“Oh fuck,” Clint said, sitting down at the table. The only thing keeping him from sweeping an appreciative look over Darcy’s form, (he was married; not blind) was the outright manic smile on Phil’s face.

“This is it!” He cackled, though he made sure that only Clint and Steve would be able to hear him. Clint was reluctantly impressed at the fact that his husband was able to _cackle_ quietly, maybe even more at his ability to hide his slightly less sane side. Bucky would probably have heard him too, but like Steve, he was staring Darcy and couldn’t give less of a shit. Sam seemed to be the only one with a shred of decency, or he may have noticed the way Natasha was glaring daggers at them over Bruce’s shoulder. She was a very protective woman. Darcy loved her with all her heart, and she would do so until the end of time.

 

“Look, Lewis, we were just play-“

“We?”

“We, Bruce and I, you know,”

“ _Bruce_ was in on this? What could you two possibly have to gain from releasing a _snake_ in my room?!” Darcy squealed, not noticing the elevator doors opening, a black man with an eye patch stepping into the room. Phil and Pepper most certainly did, and Pepper was sure this should be videotaped. She sent an order to JARVIS through her phone as Fury stepped further into the room, eyes never leaving Darcy.

 

“This is it!!” Phil hissed, grabbing a hold of Clint’s arm, staring at Director Fury.

“Wha-?” Clint was confused. God, he was _so_ _confused_.

“This. Is. It!” Phil insisted, overexcited eyes shooting between Darcy as she continued to berate Tony and Fury as he took in the situation in front him. Clint rolled his eyes, but clapped his husband’s shoulder. “Whatever you say, honey,”

 

“Look, we didn’t plan on it!” Stark protested, but Darcy was unable to splutter indignantly at him as the Director chose this moment to break them up. Bruce silently applauded his decision.

“What is going on?” Fury barked, immensely enjoying the way Stark froze at the sound of his voice. Darcy turned around, bed hair wild around her head.

 

“I’ll fucking tell you what’s going on, Tony freaking released a _gamma-radiated snake in my room_!”

“Is that why you’re in your underwear on top of Stark’s table, Miss Lewis? Or is there another reason?”

“HA!” Phil yelled once he saw Darcy’s eyes widen. “I KNEW IT!!”

“No!” Pepper whispered, staring at Nick. “Motherfucker!” She laughed, handing a couple of dollar-bills to Phil. Natasha sat, if possibly, straighter in her chair and let her eyes walk over the almost naked body of Darcy Lewis. They stopped right under her breast, and in the corner of her eye she could see Bucky and Steve zeroing in on the same spot.

 

Natasha had never seen anyone drop their gaze quicker, tapping Tony on the shoulder to do the same. She didn’t know whether to be glad they finally stopped ogling the girl, or pissed as fuck they only did it because she was ‘taken’. _Fucking men_ , she thought. _At least Nick was a good guy_. Jesus Christ, Nicholas Fury was a good guy. Natasha needed a drink. Sam slid some vodka he’d procured from _nowhere_ over to her, raising his own glass in a salute. She toasted to the Captain’s taste in soulmates and downed it.

 

“You!” Darcy whispered. “You- I! Those words!”

Nick grimaced, and Clint did a double take at the expression, certain he’d never seen his boss do such a thing before. He even didn’t know Fury was able to _make_ facial expressions. Phil was giggling right next to him, Sam staring at him like he wanted to give Phil something for the nervous breakdown that seemed inevitable. Clint placed a protective hand around Phil’s shoulder, shooting a dirty look at the therapist.

 

“Yeah, that can’t have been nice growing up with. I’m sorry,” Fury said, walking up to her. Darcy kept her eyes trained on him, taking in everything from the eye patch to his coat and whatever was between. She was sure this would be the last time she’d ever look down at him, she realized. Darcy didn’t know what to with that information. She didn’t know what to do with him being very handsome either, but since she did have _some_ sense of shame; she kept herself from saying it out loud.

 

“Do you ever wear color?” She blurted. It could have been worse, shut up. Tony was standing speechless next to Pepper, who was grinning like a lunatic. Jane looked just as shocked on the other side, but somewhat amused. Thor was beaming, though that may be because of the coffee in his hand.

 

“No, not really,” Fury answered, offering his hand to help her down. Bucky and Steve was unable to look away, staring at the two as Darcy landed in front of him. She nearly hurt her neck looking up at him, cursing her short height.

 

“I’m going to wear heels from now on,” She sighed, before taking his hand and leading him away from her friends, Bruce, Natasha and Sam downing another shot of vodka.  

“I’m not seeing any problems with that,” Nick said, gripping her hand harder.

“Didn’t think so,” Darcy smiled. “But if you can please kill the snake before I get dressed, I would be very happy,”

“Of course,”

 

“Does this mean my names are-“

“Don’t. Tony, just… Don’t.”

 

When all of the inhabitants got a memo later informing them that “what transpired on the morning of the 23rd of August is a level 13-classified occurrence and the inability to keep said occurrence secret would not result in anything pretty”, they wisely kept their mouths shut.


End file.
